Star Wars Fanfiction For Dummies
by BlueMew
Summary: aka, The Emperor's New Clothes. A parody of Star Wars cliches.
1. Sticky Introductions

**Star Wars Fanfiction For Dummies**

**aka**

**The Emperor's New Clothes**

By BlueMew

This is purely a work of humor. Any parallels or references to other works are intentional, and will be sited as necessary. This is a tribute to a work of a different fandom, written by TheHelldragon.

I will mimic his style, but not his words/ideas. Some ideas are similar, as there are things like Mary Sues and Godlike Characters in EVERY fandom.

I do not own anything that is familiar. It is rated PG to PG-13, just like the films.

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

_The good writer begins his/her work with a sound introduction; grabbing the reader's attention and introducing the main characters in a plausible manner._

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"I assure you, your most royal highness," the younger man bowed to the wizened ruler of the galaxy, "that a biography of your entire life and rise to power would be one of the most beloved books ever written. I promise you that the Rebellion will end when you show the galaxy of your benevolence and good will toward all, and this biography would be the showcase of your greatness."

Palpatine's yellowed fingernails grated the throne he sat upon in his castle on Imperial Center. "Public opinion does not concern me, nor does the pitiful Rebellion. I have warlords willing to fight and die for my commands. Worlds live and die on my whim.

"Appeasing the public does not appeal to me."

"But your highness,"

"My Master has spoken, Tenerl D'nol. You will leave immediately." Darth Vader moved from Palpatine's side, raising his hand as if to Force Choke the writer, his other hand pulling the crimson-bladed lightsaber from his belt, igniting it as his hand came to the en guarde position. But instead of doing as he would please, Lord Vader looked to his master, his eyes widening behind his mask.

Upon pulling his lightsaber from its place at his site, Lord Vader managed to slice the Emperor's robes in two, leaving the elderly man's chest bare.

"I, uhh… I'll be leaving, your highness." D'nol bowed. "Lord Vader." He exited the throne room, his eyes not leaving the spectacle of the half-clad Palpatine.

"Master, I am terribly sorry."

"As you should be, Lord Vader." Palpatine pulled the piece of cloth around his waist as he stood from his throne. "This was my last good set of robes. Now, I must wear something from the Clone Wars era so I do not make a fool of myself."

Vader's breath hissed from his respirator as he watched the older man walk toward the back of the throne room, undoubtedly heading to one of the many secret passageways inside the castle.

"A word, Master?"

"Speak, Lord Vader."

"Perhaps you could run a competition between the Admirals to fetch you the latest styles," He looked down at the cloth around Palpatine's waist. "Or whatever it is you wish to wear."

Yellow eyes, narrowed, but then twinkled as the Emperor smiled, gnarled, yellow teeth showing between his lips.

"Finally you have a good idea, Lord Vader."

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So, is wrong with this chapter?

Darth Vader enters from out of nowhere.

There is no way Vader could have cut Palpatine's robes off without cutting his arms off if his hands were on the arm rests of the throne.

Tenerl D'nol is a horrible character.

If you answered c.) Tenerl D'nol is a horrible character, you're right! He's just going to get more snively and utterly pitiful as the events progress- IF HE COMES BACK!

Stay tuned for the next chapter of _Star Wars Fanfiction For Dummies: EU, AU, It's All The Same_


	2. EU, AU, It's All The Same

**Star Wars Fanfiction For Dummies**

**Chapter 2**

**EU, AU; It's All The Same**

By BlueMew

"Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. BY ORDER OF THE AUTHOR."-Mark Twain

_In a universe as complex as Star Wars, the good author knows how to keep events in their correct places in canon, not creating a need for alternate universes/timelines._

_----------------------------------------------------------_

"Sir, I'm receiving a transmission from Imperial Center." The communications officer on the bridge of the Death Star stated to Grand Moff Tarkin, who was currently in his quarters after a rousing match of shockball. "Shall I patch it through now, sir?"

Tarkin, who despite stepping from the 'fresher only moments earlier, was now dressed in his full olive-drab uniform, staring at the Communications Officer through the holoscreen. "Do so at once. Tarkin, out."

The officer did not acknowledge the command, only obeyed the Moff's words, to which a larger-than-life bust of the Emperor stared out from the holoprojection table. Tarkin had to bite his lip to control his want to laugh; instead of the normally cowled image everyone in the galaxy had grown to fear, Palpatine was wearing a purple robe with embroidered red flowers upon the collar. Of course, it had to be something from Naboo's old styles, but to see the wrinkled face of the Emperor with such hideously tacky clothing would be more than enough to cause most of the Admirals and Moffs to chuckle.

"My most impressive Imperial Fleet. I have recently discovered the location of a Sith holocron on the world of Crustai. I have no idea why a Sith holocron would be in Chiss space, but instead of making the logical choice and sending Grand Admiral Thrawn home to retrieve it, I have decided to make a competition for the entire galaxy.

"Whoever brings me the Sith holocron, which contains the patterns for proper Sith appointments, will not only receive a brand new Super Star Destroyer, but will be named King of Alderaan, and be given all the perks that ensue from being the King of Alderaan.

"I have not included coordinates to Crustai, or to Ascendancy space. That is part of the fun of this competition."

The image flickered out, leaving Tarkin to stand alone in the glow of the holoprojector's light. So the Emperor was raising morale by giving all humans in his fleet a challenge. The alien, no matter that he was more familiar with where they would all be heading, would be of no concern. Why would he want to be King of Alderaan?

Tarkin pressed a button on his desk, opening a comm channel with the_ Gorgon_, and almost immediately, Admiral Daala appeared on the screen.

"Have you watched the message from Imperial Center yet?"

"Of course, sir." Daala smiled coyly at the Moff that had engineered her rise in rank. "It is unfortunate that His Beloved Highness has given the alien the advantage in this case. I plan on tracking and then vapeing his ship, after I convince him to give me the holocron."

"I was thinking much along the same lines, Admiral. Perhaps we should work together again, for with a Star Destroyer and a Death Star, we should be invincible."

"Agreed. Let's jump to Tatooine, and from there figure out how to get to this Crustai system."

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"WHAT!" Princess Leia Organa screamed at General Dodonna after he recounted the message that the Emperor had sent out to the entire Imperial fleet. "He CAN'T just appoint a new King of Alderaan! That is my father's job!"

"I can only report what I have heard myself, Princess." Jan sighed, giving her a look. "Besides, it would only be Bail that lost his title. Queen Breha and yourself would just take another man as King, and nothing would be any different."

Leia was crestfallen. How could the Emperor do this to her family? But instead of sinking in to a deep well of depression, she smirked, a plan forming with each passing moment.

"General, if I can find a fast ship, do you think it would be possible for me to locate this Crustai system? I could then bring a Super Star Destroyer in to the services of the Rebellion, and Alderaan's political structure would not have to change."

Dodonna smiled. "Good, Leia. I'll have Rogue Squadron escort you to Tatooine. I'm sure you can find some Jedi help there, as well as a very fast ship, and possibly coordinates to this Crustai system.

"Thank you, General. I'll be back as soon as I am victorious."

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The blue-skinned Chiss Grand Admiral sat aboard the _Chaemera_, glowing eyes narrowed as he watched the Emperor's transmission for the fifth time in the past ten minutes. His confidence had been betrayed, and as soon as the other Imperials learned of the Chiss, he was certain his entire people would be enslaved.

He couldn't have that.

But then again, all it seemed was that the Emperor just wanted new robes. He pressed a button on the Admiral's chair in his quarters as the Ysalimir above his head yawned, waiting for Pellaeon's acknowledgement.

"Yes, Admiral?"

"Call my tailor and have her make robes similar to that which the Emperor always wears. Use rough fabric, but make sure it is acquired from Naboo. After that is done, set a course to Crustai with the coordinates I will send you. Have the ship's log wiped so that no one else learns of path to Ascendancy space."

"Sir, I hate to interrupt, but we will need to refuel before heading out so far into the Unknown Regions. May I suggest a stop at Tatooine?"

"Captain Pellaeon, no. We will not stop at Tatooine. You can plot a course for anywhere BUT Tatooine. I feel that the rest of the fleet will use it as a staging ground to plot their next jump farther in to the unknown."

"As you wish, Admiral. Setting a course for Mustafar."

So what was wrong with this chapter?

The rank of Grand Admiral was not created until after the Battle of Yavin.

Thrawn was not aboard the Chaemera until 8-9 years after the Battle of Yavin.

Leia whines too much.

If you answered c.) Leia whines too much, you are correct! She doesn't know she's a Skywalker yet, so there is no reason for her to be such a whiny emo kid.

Stay tuned for _Star Wars Fanfiction For Dummies, Chapter 3: Mary Sue? No, Mara Jade._


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